I think I just was a dick to Paul Rudd.
i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
yeah seriously, fuck school. I'm changing my master's thesis question from "what are the neuropsychological correlates of antisocial personality" to "will my cat drink this beer"
I think the universe is against us being together. Or maybe it's just god's way of telling me there is a bigger dick out there for me.
as nice as a boyfriend sounds, a relationship would require morals and self-restraint - both fields in which i lack.
momma always taught us never to change for a boy..
I wore my underwear in the shower just in case i passed out and you had to come in and get me
Apparently I mistakenly called the hair club for men at 3am... they called me back this morning.
Also, drinking coors light. Fuck that. Fuck that in the fucking face.
Ps. I feel like I may pee myself this weekend. Either drunkenly or out of excitement. Toss up
I always hoped that one day I'd have a sex position named in my honor.
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
shes on the ground doing bicycle kicks screaming "is my ass good enough for you now satan" send help
How do I go about this? "Hey, its my birthday in 40 minutes. Would you like to come over for some sex? Also, please bring snacks"?
That's probably when I climbed a tree and told everyone I was an ornament
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
Randomize