i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
I'm cheating on the girl I'm cheating on my girlfriend with
So I have exactly 420 dollars saved up in tips from the past week. I win, and I take that as a sign from god that I am allowed to use that money to buy drugs.
Red Bull/Vodka? You bet I'm showing everyone my penis tonight.
I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
The office pool is up to $500 if you take a shit in Frank's desk drawer. Time to change the unpaid internship into a cash cow.
Freedom, beauty, truth, and love to all. I also probably have syphilis
You may have graduated college on time, but my 6th year ass gets to see awesome tits every day just for showing up.
I wish Samuel L. Jackson would narrate our bar crawls
I think I fixed my testicle. That's why I didnt pay $25 for a doctor to do it
His roommate left already and took the beer pong table so we had to take off his bedroom door. Maybe res life won't notice.
I was just too high to be in rapids man. I just screamed for the entire time I was jostling about.
I'm not entirely sure how getting 'house drunk' turned into us getting trashed, being serenaded by karaoke and going out. But it needs to happen again.
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
The fact that u had sex with a Disney prince blows my mind, you're my hero.
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