so apparently i worked out for over an hour last night. drinking is the only way i will ever get anything done
Im still alive. Just can't talk. Or move. No need to worry
That's the kind of break up sex that keeps couples together. Damn.
I cannot FaceTime with your penis
Well, that now makes it the 4th girlfriend in a row to cheat on me. I don't even care anymore...I'll date a prostitute and not even worry.
At Walgreens. I'm getting condoms and a bottle of water so that I'm not "just getting condoms". I don't think I'm fooling anyone though.
why do you keep saying "she looks like a porn star" like thats a bad thing?
I just wanted to be the best at what I did even if that included sexing a whole fraternity or sorority ya know?
She asked me to come on her OkCupid date with her
Just walked by a girl saying to her friend "honestly you coulda given me any dude and I woulda fucked him"
You should've introduced yourself
I threw up in my brother's Easter basket
Well, he didn't buy me a birthday present but he sure did give me chlamydia so there's that.
What the fuck were you guys talking about?
Lube wrestling.
Oh, makes sense.
Pooping in a box is not fun. You're not a cat.
I'm fine. Heading home now...crying. Michael Bolton totally understands me!
Randomize
