I left the party when things started to get crazy... and when I say crazy I mean: there was puke on the carpet, Evan was passed out behind a plant, Mary was making out with her ex while her present bf was making out with Nancy. Not to mention that someone fisted the wall. Also - someone is sleeping on your lawn - they might be dead, I didn't check. Later.
In an effort to go green, I just used rainwater to fill my bong.
tip of the day : never have sex with a full bladder. it WILL lead to complications and a very unhappy partner.
i need to break up with him. i realized this while i was making a mental grocery list while we were having sex. this is not the first time i've done that.
Last night I ate parmesan cheese straight out of the container while watching Chelsea Lately. Look at what happens to me when you leave.
i'm sure god appreciates how great my boobs look during this fine christmas eve mass
QUIT RUINING DICK PICTURE DAY
Ugh. Lets go crawl into a dairy-gluten-chlamydia free hole somewheres.
My exam ends at 4pm so I plan to be passed out in the bar by 5pm. Want to join me?
I had no idea he had such passive aggressive animalistic tendencies. This is the human equivalent of peeing on someone.
My entire news feed is ice bucket challenges. I wish there was a hide from feed button like FarmVille
You threw a handful of caps into a pitcher of Heineken and asked everyone if they wanted to go "bobbing for molly"
Awkward, walking to my bootycall's hotel room and run into my dad leaving his. Just nodded to each other and went on our ways
Nothing will ever be as awkward as looking my mother in the eye and talking to her while I have a dick inside me. Time for a lock on my door.
I got eaten out in the igloo at snow-kings castle last night.My thighs were literally melting ruts in the ice bench.Definitely colder than the minus 40 blowjob at Desiree's wedding
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