So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
Speaking of school, I've done the math and I get laid about 10 times more often than I did before I got my law degree. $100,000 well spent.
i'm using my hot pot to make jello shots in a muffin tin. i'm never ever graduating.
i just remembered i chipped my tooth last night when i pulled up your pants zipper with my teeth
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
The sound guy for the band told me id make a great valentines gift for his bisexual girlfriend
She's more of a "I'm gonna get herpes no matter how great her face looks like" pretty
I was masturbating with the shower head and someone flushed the other toilet. Pretty sure I have 3rd degree burns on my clit.
Just for the record its a bit awkward when you introduced me to your friends at your house as your brother and then insisted in front of them that I sleep in your bed with you
She thinks Jesus was an astronaut.
i think we watched the dark knight rises after you left but i might have passed out through most of it. I remember crying at the end though. sad tears then happy tears.
2 six inch heels, 3 big sangrias, no broken legs
I'm going to get high and eat ice cream until the pain goes away. You're welcome to join.
Morning! Im using your rent money to snort percocet.
I’m getting back at my ex and training my new boy toy how to properly satisfy a woman. I’m killing two birds with one dick.
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