Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
looking back, maybe 11 flaming dr peppers was a little extreme
shes a 6ft ginger. she brings nothing to the table except for awkwardness
he went up stairs with nothing on but calvin klein's and an eskimo hat, said hi to her dad, got a doughnut, and left like it was an everyday thing
his extensive knowledge of the age of consent laws kinda scares me....
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
My vag has a bald spot. That is so middle aged. Is this my midlife crisis?
So this whole chlamydia situation totally puts a damper on my back to school sex schedule, there's just no way of knowing who of them was the perpetrator... Time for new candidates
I've never had goosebumps on my dick before. It was definitely not a bad feeling.
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
All the party invite said was a date and "21 to drink, 18ish to sleep over"
I just used my VA prescription bottle of xanax to get a military discount at the liquor store. I win.
Only you could get away with that.
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
My roommate definitely just walked in on me playing the piano naked.
By piano you mean.....
Like literally a piano.
Ohhhh that's kind of embarrassing.
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
Randomize
