Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
Having an 'SDSU Mom' sticker is just like say 'Hi, my daughter has an std"
i convinced her that her period would come back if we did it doggy style
the tow truck driver and i bonded while discussing our experiences with four lokos
just found glitter in my belly button...seriously when will this nightmare end
oh dont worry, my liver will give out way before i get skin cancer
The used rubbers I threw behind her bed all semester must have landed on the baseboard heater. They went up in smoke when she turned on the heat last night.
If you've ever wanted to get filthy in a Catholic church before 2 on a Wednesday, I might be your guy.
I bet his dick wears a tuxedo.
What's your ideal size in a man?
I just asked if you could cover my shift tomorrow......
I can already tell, the amount of fun I'm having right now is not nearly going to compensate for the amount of "let us never speak of this again" I'm gonna have tomorrow
Um went out in San Francisco last night and ignored someone hitting on me. So they bit my arm. Lmfao PLEASE TELL ME THIS ISNT THE SINGLE LIFE
You are the human incarnation of a drinking problem
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
He wanted to watch a Charlie Brown thanksgiving. But I was like, fuck that, I'm a grown up. So we watched jumanji and I sucked his dick.
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