I wish i could make my toaster dance like they do in the second ghostbusters. But i dont have ectoplasmic goo. Or a toaster.
I've drank myself into a smaller pants size. Who ever said alcoholism was unhealthy was mistaken.
The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
Sarah Palin is going to have a show on the discovery channel...Can I get a moment of silence for knowledge?
The only way I could have failed my exam worse is if there would have been a drug test portion
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
we bribed her with croutons and jello shots.
she just made some guy spank her... then made some chick take a running start and spank her.
I don't want the last thing I hear while alive to be Jesse's Girl
You wouldnt be able to explain the can of green beans in my mailbox, would you?
ERIN AND I ARE GETTING MATCHING VIBRATORS. I'M PEER PRESSURING YOU INTO JOINING THE CLUB. Besides we're the three best friends that anyone could have, you better not ruin that by being a pussy and not treating your pussy to awesomeness. That is all.
He told me that if he broke my bed my bed durring sex he would take me to ikea, but only on Monday because it's all you can eat meatballs. I think I'm in love.
If I die here, tell my vagina and my cats that I'm sorry.
I left at 4:30 in the morning and I told him it was because I had to take my contacts out
We were high and the scary movies were scaring us too bad. Were all watching porn instead now
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