Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
Apple Jack is not a good idea for breakfast. Whiskey can't replace milk.
if he wont fuck me on the stairamster then i dont think theres much XXX shit going down
I just found pie in my hoodie pocket... This break needs to end.
He was eating mac and cheese. Raw. Like as in he was eating the uncooked noodles then pouring the dry cheese in his mouth.
She's walking around topless with a bottle of red wine, crying and singing showtune ballads. This is actually an improvement.
he tried to do a one handed cartwheel to showoff but knocked himself out cold. fuckin jagerbombs will kill that man.
Yehhhaaww I'm way ahead of you. I'm gunna get her a card that says " I'm sorry your now ex boyfriend decided to upgrade"
She sat on the toilet backwards so that she could hold onto the back part for balance. No she's not ready to go home.
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
I've never heard "I will drown your mother in vanilla pudding" as an insult before, and then last night happened.
Im in my back seat in my own drive way with two beers left to shotgun and watching the sunrise. Am I over her yet?
I've seen you dance and let's just say its a good thing you don't have a small dick
You went to pound town last night and chow town this morning. Boy you need a passport.
I've finally done it. I finally achieved my lifelong goal of becoming that awkward lesbian in high school who went on to have sex with more women than any of her male classmates.
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