my sex list reads like a who's who of mcdonald's general managers
Just saw a Mexican guy pushing a stroller with 3 twelve packs of corona in it with a toddler struggling to keep up on foot behind him
let's get a trip to cabo together for next spring... they have to have forgotten about me by now
I have vodka an food stamps. At some point today, that will undoubtedly turn into jello shots.
He literally had a note from his doctor saying he wasn't allowed to finger me for a week
I may have just flashed my roommate as he walked in while my towel was falling. Now he knows what an American sized penis looks like I suppose
When a girl says " I never would have come over if I knew I was getting kicked out at 7am." the correct response isn't "but think of how responsible you're being."
I'm figuring, since someone shoved pizza crust in my ear last night, there might be some leftover pizza.
I think she finds the idea of a naked fat man lying on the table and holding our butter offensive
Well I mean he is in a slightly seductive pose
He tried to stop traffic by waving his half eaten pizza at cars.... And we were stupid enough to cross .....??!!!
I'm 99% sure I just puked glitter. Wine drunk Mondays shouldn't be a thing.
It's official. I'm gonna fuck hot art class guy. But this won't be like hot Samsung guy. I'm gonna make sure I follow through this time.
I had a sex dream about Fox Mulder, and the Royals just won the World Series. My life is complete.
I did wake up to a random meat and cheese plate next to my bed, that was a thrill.
Sorry you saw me having sex with your brother on the beach
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