Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
just served this dwarf dude an entire pitcher of malt liquor. watching this will totally be worth my bartender's certification.
And the best part is that she's coming home to find that I completely shaved her dog.
Still trying to wash and scratch the glitter off of my dick. That stripper should be banned.
I have a bruise on dick where you tried to "high five" me.
I consider myself to be an upstream bisexual
You're the salmon of the gays...
I want to put in my resignation as an adult. From now on I will be spending my time drinking beer and skiing.
All I know is when I checked my phone this morning google translate was open with "help the cow ate my robot" translated to French
idk the fact that her roommate had a sign that said "enter without knock, exit without cock" makes me really NOT want to go steal her pot.
The holidays are too long. I always run out of adderall before I run out of family. you got any left?
drying my bra with a hair dryer wasn't exactly how I had planned on starting my day.
I've decided to take one for the team and bang the landlady for lower rent.
Im gonna go lick parts of my apartment. Good night and be ever vigilant, you never know when I'm coming to epoxy your hand to you nipple.
However many condoms you have, it isn't enough.
We're like a married couple, but we only have sex on college holidays and other people's birthdays.
Randomize
