In hindsight, i should have predicted that a drink called the 'rocky mountain bear fucker' would not end in a pleasant experience
So my mom just called me into her room and showed me a condom wrapper she found in my room. "Oh that's from when I was like 16." I don't think that was very comforting.
I didn't mind getting the stomach flu from him. we had great sex AND I'm seven pounds lighter
it was like fucking gandolphs beard
... was I dreaming when we did coke off of the xbox, or did that really happen?
It's probably just the physical manifestation of slut karma. But i of course mean that in the kindest way possible because i love you and respect your choices
Um of course I blew him. He brought me a shamrock shake. It was two o’clock in the morning on St. Patrick’s Day. There was no smoother move basically. He totally earned that head.
he fucked me wearing a cowboy hat and made grits after
We call him Texas for a reason.
I felt like I was having sex with Joffrey from Game of Thrones. Needless to say how bad it was
I can feel your judgement through the phone
Even his sexts are poetic. He said breasts instead of tits so I'm gonna lock this shit down asap
I think it's important to not involve Bar Food in any near future decisions.
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
Attention, i sprayed windex on me to disguise the scent of sex and regret off my clothes from last night
I'm noticing I drink less and do fewer lines when I do both together.
Now that's what I call smart money management.
Randomize
