Deffinety need to stop having sex on the beach just took a dump and it was mostly sand
ok this guy next to me just sat down with a no joke, 10,000 page book, popped an addy, cracked open a red bull and opened the book to page 1.
i'm sitting in the library realizing that the 2 most productive things i did this weekend was have sex and go to the liquor store...
My favorite part was when he stopped, looked up in the middle of performing oral sex and asked, "you did know it was Arbor Day, right?"
DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
it's like a replay of two fridays ago...except not in a motel and i'm not having sex in the shower.
I just bought 1/2 a fifth of vodka out of an old school baby carriage from a homeless man. Gotta love this city.
WHY IS EVERY MAN IN THIS CITY GAY? IS IT SO BAD TO WANT TO BE TREATED LIKE A PIECE OF SHIT BY A REALLY HOT STRAIGHT MAN FOR A NIGHT?
After 13 tally marks I wrote the number 4,000 and made u sign my arm to prove it.
Because of him my new motto is "Keep calm and fuck a guy with a beard". Yes, I am serious.
He could stay over, if you'd just ask.
Yeah. What am I supposed to say? "Oh, my couch is occupied, but my vagina's not"
Why did you make me get in the car with you and then not give me a ride? I woke up in a bar with a blanket on me.
$150 and 3 orgasms. Dogsitting is awesome.
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
I think i got beer on your cat.
Randomize