i just fingered the ice cream at home instead of getting a spoon
been there done that
He snuck into some random hotel's continental breakfast at 3 AM and then passed out on a bench in the lobby. When the cops found him they made him empty out his pockets. No phone, no ID just muffins.
Literally getting boned by my flask right now. I didn't really think about this whole sneaking past security in a skin tight dress.
She gave me a BJ with my hoodie on. it was like i was blowing myself.
My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
we are still finding bottels filled with his pee. tom almost drank the one in the frig
direct quote from andrew "you know i can't hear when i drink whiskey"
I round house kicked her emotions in the face
I was just tryna bring you beer girl. I should've known you'd be shirtless though
Remember the thing I sent you? "Often complex problems are best solved by thinking like an animal." Hump away!
Update: That guy is no longer in the restroom, so he's probably not dead.
So I scratched the whole boyfriend plan and got wasted. Wanna try again tomorrow?
How’s the date going?? Do you think he’s gonna cut your face off and wear it to his birthday party?
What do you want. Tryin to service my husband like the good wife that I am. It is bj Tuesday
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
Randomize
