I got my half for the rent already.I called the cops on the drug dealer neighbor and got a 500 bucks as a reward
It's 8 am and he's already trying to get me to make out with a girl.
In a min. With a stripper at the hospital. Business. Not pleasure.
Leaving the phone at home last night was the best decision I ever made.... Though I still managed to text her and now I have 2 phones...
Ill give you a 4 hour blow job if you make my nephew go to bed.
Ok. So I've woke up in a hospital. New thing to top that.... Waking up and realizing you've been locked inside the bar by urself at 430 am and all the doors are locked by key
I'm not gonna lie; I was dosed with mushrooms and am eating pickles with a guy in all white. It's weird, but I'm down. Help.
Believe it or not I'm actually not the only person sitting in the back of the train covered in glitter and drinking whiskey out of an arizona iced tea can. Small world.
My arms are hairy. And so Is my left leg. Just my left leg, the right is smooth.
You were greeting everyone with " Hi I'm Jess show me your dick" whether they were dudes or not.
Every time you visit for the weekend I end up having to bleach my entire house after.
Explain to me again why I'm doing the walk of shame if we fucked at my house?
I'm going to target high, just in case I ask you where my paycheck went later
Do you remember trying to sleep under the pool table while wearing a reflective vest?
Nope.
You kept saying you had to be safe.
I just got baptized.
Drunkenly skinny dipping in a indoor hotel pool is not okay and does not count as a baptism.
Randomize
