i think the fact that he graduated high school the year i graduated elementary school is sexy.
burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
He told me I couldn't drink an unopened bottle of water he had in his room because that was his emergency bong water
Well he's in a two year college so technically hes a senior. At least can we just pretend I'm not robbing the cradle.
It went from cuddling and watching blood diamond to watching the three of them snort an entire $80 bag of blow off the coffee table
I can't tell if your life is amazing or needs reevaluation when "did I get hit with a nightstick" is a legitimate question.
I'm going to have to start sleeping with my keys taped to my stomach.
You're just mad that I don't wanna have dugout sex with you
I wish there were birth control emojis
I think I ruined his life by managing to get his initiation nickname for his frat to be "Whiskey Dick" but I still wish herpes on him and his fugly new girlfriend.
Wear whatever you want, I'm wearing ass-less chaps and a sombrero
On a scale of one to liver failure, how bad would it be if I played thunderstruck alone?
I was playing 'If You Had To Fuck One or Die' with the old composite pictures with a guy in the bathroom line. They were all pretty ugly so I go "You can tell this is a lower tier frat"......turns out the guy was a brother
Just opened my sisters laptop to "cute places to lose my virginity" googled last
If I lock her out of the apartment right now would the neighbors have grounds to sue?
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