put your butt on the phone this is a booty call
My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
Its Shannon Doherty lazy not Forest Whittaker lazy
I found a dealer that takes plastic. I'm so in trouble.
the beer staff turned into a beer spear way to quickly
CHEMICAL ENGINEER. God my mom would be so proud of me.
She literally got down on all fours and I swear did a 360 degrees head rotation exorcist barf...and then moaned IT WAS THE TACO BEEEELLLLLL
so no, not her best night
You know it's time to do the dishes when you take shots of water out of a sake glass...
And you wonder why you're always one of the guys?
My roommate just caught me cleaning a tostitos queso jar with my hand and eating it. He didn't judge. Bonding moment.
The bottle of Wild Turkey is empty and there is a pile of wet cement in the garage. What happened?
She walked out and announced that he was now part of our confused, incestuous, glorious eskimo family. I've never been more proud.
Campus is too small for this to keep happening
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
She called to say the cops were not fake cops. some one has to go get her in an hour
Someone stole a lamp last night.
It's magical, I'm just dancing. It's like prom but by myself and with less clothes.
Randomize
