proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
I think we should involve a squid next time we fuck.
u kno there is a reason i dont tell mi friends about u
You get to witness red pubes. I'm almost jealous. That's like my dream.
The only coherent words in the 6 texts i recieved were don't, cute, fucking, beer, and lions
Its midnight, he's burning water on the stove and keeps yelling at me and telling me not to burn myself.
i have only one word for you: 3somewithnorwegiangirls
I can't believe im sexting my roommate. This is really what my life has come to
I've started bribing my dorm's security guard with cookies so that he doesn't tell all the boys i'm hooking up with about each other.
She can drink whiskey without a chaser and has a fridge full of whipped cream. Girlfriend potential
You're doing a terrible job of letting me hook up with girls vicariously through you.
I just imagined myself as R2-D2 and you as C3P0 walking around the Vegas desert looking for alcohol
Like I blink, and he's face first in my vagina.
She was on top, but I lost her at "alright, you look like predator."
ALL I WANT IS SEMEN IN/ON/AROUND MY BODY. WHY IS HE MAKING THIS SO HARD.
i havent showered for 4 days and i just made my dog smell my arm pit. also, im stoned.
Randomize
