I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
Im drinking a beer thats called vuuve which is boobs in begian. I think my life is complete.
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
We've had the 'life would be so much better if we were both lesbians' conversation too much for that to be okay.
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
i tried to climb in the window in the limo because i wanted the driver to take me to get noodles. ive reached a new level of fat kid
The beer-amid has reached five feet. Caitlyn has a taser. GTG
So Doritos and vodka was obviously not as good an idea as I thought at the time.
The horniest man in the world doesn't want sex as bad as I want pizza right now.
I had a really bad dream about us drinking this weekend. Remind me to tell you Friday when we start drinking
Dude, he wouldn't have sex with me during halftime cause we were rooting for different teams and that would be "bad juju", I had to settle for 69.
Slammed 3 beers and just bowled a 129\nI guess alcohol IS the answer
You're a disaster
Wanna date?
i looked that guy up on facebook. the one who went down on me for two hours
what's the verdict
i've been scrubbing my vag all morning
Randomize
