apparently vodka and oj turns green when you throw it up
basic color theory
he opened the microwave and beer cans poured out
Next thing I know we're all standing in the kitchen holding hands and thanking God for the beer.
Just checked my recent transactions online. Between the hours of 1 and 3am on September 30th, I went to 7/11 4 times. Unacceptable.
i feel like words won't express my appreciation properly so at some point i'm just going to bring you pizza then go down on you for an hour. fair?
Currently separating the burrito I just stuffed in my purse from the weed in my half smoken bowl that was already in it. My what the fuck moment beats yours.
The liquor store guy just accused me of buying alcohol of minors due to how many bottles I got. The guy should be used to this from me.
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
Getting day drunk before work is perfectly acceptable when its 99 cent margaritas.
I think if you have sex on the couch it will psychologically damage it.
Never thought having a box of Cheerios could get me laid. My new lucky charm hello girl in 2B
You asked to borrow my glasses for a moment. Then you whipped them at someone's head.
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
So uh. Your future in porn. Would you be willing to wear an alien costume for it?
I'm naked, eating straight Nutella, and listening to "Make you feel my love" on repeat. So no. He didn't ask me out.
Randomize