I even made an effort to dress like a conservative young lady who doesnt black out and throw up in her bed regularly today.
i left him drunk and in the fetal postion in the shower.
was the water running?
yeah but he said he knows how to swim
sarcasm needs its own font
Its 11am everyones wasted wearing sombreros and eating fresh produce..cesar chavez would be very proud
Does he know anything about your personal life besides what you look like without clothes on?
He's like a perfect storm of amazing hair and horrible judgment.
I have reached the state of intoxication where it is now a requirement to sit while peeing.
So the bartender from Applebees totally looks like he would take his clothes off for $40
I like how you possess the gift that turns normal guys into strippers
What kind of gift says: "I love you because you're my mom & I'm obligated to, but I don't like you" ?
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
I don't listen when you talk. I just try to find new creative ways to get you to send me naked pictures.
just found out I was hugging strangers at the bar last night. there's photographic evidence. I know none of them
I mean I'd assume the strange looks are on account of the fact that I'd imagine people normally don't stink of booze on an 8:14am flight.
I saw a penis covered in glitter tonight.
THREE MINUTES! THREE MINUTES PAST MIDNIGHT I STSRT HEARING CHRISTMAS MUSIC ON THE OVERHEAD PA SYSTEM!!!
Randomize
