My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
While you were puking in the ocean I was rubbing your back saying "Just give it back to Mother Earth".
Probably shouldn't have worn my jeans covered in blood from last night to class.
I thought he wouldn't talk to me again. You know, what's that saying "why buy the cow when you can fuck it six hours after meeting"
HOW DID YOU END UP IN THE BATHROOM WITH A DANCER AFTER 12 MINUTES?
Me and Phil are just drawing pictures of thumbs in different costumes during lecture. I love being a senior.
Attention ladies coming to the party tonight! Tonight will be another chance to win the 5 bucks for getting my cousin hard. Bring your a-game, no one has been able to overcome the whiskey dick yet. Good luck.
I just found the gloves and lightbulb I stole. Did you pee on a ATM inside a bank?
When we were fucking he said and I quote "we're like a sex fajita"
I feel like I was dropped out of a helicopter. Through the propeller.
He's scared I want a relationship? How does texting him at three am and sleeping with four of my exes symbolize that?
In hindsight following that black guy in the ghostbusters costume was a terrible decision on everyone's part
For reals. He's my age and he still hangs out at his frat house & gets hammered every weekend. Idk if I'm jealous of him or if I pity him
According to the arrest report, I shouted "no, YOU put some pants on" at the cop. Downhill from there.
I just caught my bangs on fire trying to lite a bowl while driving. Thank god it wasn't my eyebrows like last time.
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