sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
On a scale of 1 to 10 how hot is the girl you're about to fuck?
Strong 6
That's an oxymoron.
then we talked for a little and he asked my last name which since I have yet to get a fb request I'm 95% sure its for a restraining order
I'm just not sure how to initiate the "do you want to have sex with my boyfriend and I" conversation
oh man. maybe i should puke on his dick? just to test how much he loves me?
oh my god, there is an imprint from the nuva ring in the christmas card my mom sent me. merry christmas.
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
Me ending up in the fetal position in my shower is becoming far too commonplace. It's like a weekly therapy session
My parents just told me that if I stop drinking I could do something great with my life...
They obliviously haven't seen you dance on top of a pool table then
I need you to go into my room and get some pants then bring them and four band aids to Sam's apartment no questions
I knew my bag made it because I could smell the fireball that spilled inside of my suitcase before it was on the luggage carousel.
I guess the wine stains on your shirt and the $2 vodka tonics you're sweating out just scream, "Welcome to DC, please ask me for directions."
How fast can you get here?\nI need to ride your cock into the sunset.
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
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