Since when does wearing a condom and going down on me make someone a gentlemen?
I asked my mom if I was the drunkest one in the room. With 8 days till I go back to school, I couldn't care less about being shitfaced at a baptism
We decided I could make bicurious-jitos or ho-meh-jitos or heteroflexible-jitos. But not homojitos.
They were going around the house breaking things and screaming "Not my house!"
He got me coffee AND filled up my gas tank. He must've fucked another girl in my car..
I just stuck my fingers down her throat so she could puke. I mean what are friends for
Oh my god she just threw up on her dog
Omg do you remember last night you kept pointing to your vag asking who wants to play this like a fiddle hahaha
She wants to go as a facebook "like" for halloween, but right now her costume looks more like the hamburger helper hand with broken fingers.
I had phone sex with a retiree last night. This is not how I envisioned my 20s going...
Wearing rip off pants to a booty call last night was one of my most brilliant ideas ever.
I have a txt file I don't remember making open on my desktop. All it says is "what it's like to be a bat"
Well you got kicked off a stripper pole. They said girls only.
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
Hi I am on my way. I stopped and got the cheeseburger you asked for. Are you gonna pay me back?
Who is this?
I've realized that drinking at your apartment alone on a Tuesday probably isn't a good thing.
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