um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
She was so adorably desperate I didn't have the heart to tell her I wasn't a lesbian. So now She's making waffles, may switch teams over this.
matt and i tucked you in... you REFUSED to move your head from under the bed.
I think rendering her infertile would be a valid community service project
How much is that going to cost?
A lot of beer.
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
He said I was doing well, so I stopped mid blow job to compliment his grammar. You could say I like intellectuals
BRING KITTENS I AM A GENIUS
Thank you for trusting your ovaries to me
How does fucking Canada get Justin Good Guy Take Me Now, Just Fuck Me In The House of Commons Trudeau, and our new President looks like he bathes in cheetoh dust and sin?
Change of plans & whoring it up tonight
I love when Facebook suggests people I may know. Well, yeah, I know him. He's my drug dealer. Pretty sure I want to keep that relationship strictly professional.
party at the soccer house. crumbs in my sexy panties. can't. put. pieces. together.
Randomize
