Just fell off a train. Bad.
How was dinner with ur grandparents?
I was really blazed and scared they'd catch me, so when they asked about my day I was concentrating really hard on not saying smoking that instead I honestly said "Well, I had sex on your pool table, Nana."
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
I wonder if I could sublet my bathtub to anyone.
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
it was like vegas minus all of the penis and death threats
I'm calling it the Friendlationship with Benefits Zone.
I resisted the temptation to hold the cake in one hand to alternate bites with the ruffles I was eating. I decided that might make me look dysfunctional.
I was giving this guy head and he stopped me to look me in the eyes and say "you have a gift"
My mom opened up my bank statement today....my first alcohol intervention class is at 7:30am tomorrow.
I'll have party bus drop you off in the morning.
some people popped out of a houseboat and asked us to their party. their houseboat IS A WEEDBOAT. it is full of weed they grow weed. EVERYWHERE.
..puke & rally mid art final. HAPPY CINCO DE MAYO!
I feel like a pile of chihuahua shit that got eaten by a Great Dane who puked it up and then set it on fire.
I always can't wait to see you but when there's also an opportunity to get naked it elevates to an entirely different level
I know right. I don't even want to have sex today. I did anyway but that's besides the point.
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