seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
apparently i'm not the first person wake up and realize she's ugly cuz i tore this house apart and there is no sign of my clothes
did you ever find your cell phone? and your dignity?
I just needed to know whether or not to wear panties to work tomorrow.
Dude if it is possible to orgasm from shitting i think it just happened.
making an appointment with student health services to check out my pinkeye on 4/20. they are going to thing this is such a joke
Still not exactly sure how i unbolted your toilet from the ground.
oh god...if the people that live above me killed themselves again then im gonna assume im the worst neighbor ever
Im just a social blackout drinker.
My name in their phones is "That Girl". If i can't get it to go away, I might as well live up to it.
They tried to dine n dash at dennys and the waiter jumped on their car and broke their windshield
I just started talking about how noodles were so good
she stuffed her marc jacobs purse full of cereal
classy
how do I say, without sounding slutty... That I can take a dick?
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
Randomize
