im pretty sure that there was a mint leaf in my poop this morning. i love mojito season.
We just described beer as "big boy apple juice" to his 2 year old.
Look you found him on craigslist. You should be happy that he at least HAS a normal looking dick.
There were so few words spoken that I'm not sure if it was make-up or break-up sex.
Just so you know there's a random man downstairs knocking on a door with a dozen roses and a 30 pack of beer. Unattractive or not, I'm inviting him in.
well, the two that sent pics I've already been with, so at least its not just BAM HERE'S MY PENIS IN YOUR INBOX ENJOY THOSE MEGAPIXELS
Ok thats it i need a list. Full names, nicknames, in which frats, with a photo, of all the guys youve hooked up with because three of the same guys is ridiculous
I'm gonna send you a dick pic now just so your uncomfortable at work
I'm trying. I feel like we're trying to have sex with fruitcake. dry and boring.
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
he threw an umbrella that he ripped out of the table at the fence like he was harpooning a whale while the owner of the bar was outside then tried to blame it on an old man...
I knew my sister shouldn't have gone to the bacherlotte party. Two of the other brides maids have black eyes and my fiancé called me and asked if this is the crazy she's marrying
We're not ready for visitors right now.
wtf? who's we?
The Royal We: Me, My Vag, and I.
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
I shit myself and fell down the stairs and I’m still finding shit In those pants.
Randomize
