and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
Weird we were more concerned with sharing our germs than tag teaming the blow job?
today's workout consisted of me putting my fake in my sports bra and running to the liquor store.
well apperantly i passed out on the stairs shouting "victory".
Seriously my only wish tonight is to be at the club in a sombrero w my shirt off pouring tequila on bitches titties
I'll be there in 10. I need you naked and ready. Warm up.
But mostly the blowjob in the airport bathroom was what I was laughing at.
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
Drunk enough that you donated $50 to taco bell, because they serve a great purpose.
Jerry got outside again, i found him making dirt angels in the garden. I need to put a bell on that bastard.
DUDE FUCK CALL ME SHE HAS GRANDKIDS
I don't know what's worse. The fact that my biological mother is an unwitting bigamist, or the fact that my half sister is trying to seduce my girlfriend.
Facebook: “Hey you fucked on a diving board, you should probably should wish him a happy birthday”
He was the perfect gentleman on our first date. Took me out for candlelit dinner at a fancy restaurant, held open the door, walked me home, and made me cum three times before he got his.
after that bj i gave him, i could fucking punch his mom and he wouldn't give a shit
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