Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
thanks for not screaming that I'm pregnant when that guy was giving me his number.
Dude, I swear her tits are going to give me a concusion.
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
I really wanna punch him. Right in his cell-phone-sized penis
He's prob getting laid right now and I'm sitting alone in my duct tape shoes.
i think i made a good impression on his friends wen i survived 55 cup beer pong
I have so much shit FLYING through my head. They're all in magic carpets and everything
I just want to hug my vagina but I can't!\nLike, I want to wrap my arms around it and say "I'm sorry"
It's pathetic. My bed hasn't been this sexless since it was in bedmart.
Because the guy guy doing the drawing either wanted to bone, or wanted us to stop entering the contest. Either way, we got concert tickets so I'm cool with both scenarios.
I swear to God, if you have sex in my bed one more time you're gonna start paying rent
My TA is here with a sombrero and an entire bottle of Svedka. Skip jury duty.
He asked me if I want to play Uber Driver, is this some new sex game or is he drunk and asking for a ride home?
I kind of just assumed by how he whisked eggs that he would be bad in bed.
I've never been so turned off by an omelet.
Randomize
