She tried to keep her legs crossed last night while doing a keg stand. Way to keep it classy.
almost passed out on the way to class today.. laid down in a construction site. bad idea
FYI, when you wake up, please note that I puked in your shoes because I sstubbed my tooee, not becus I was drunk.
btw my roommates send a round of applause to you and that guy you tried to fuck on our wall. Additionally they hope he got it in.
Also, we accidentally donated a bong to goodwill
Last time I sleep with a guy with a penchant to fragrance his dick. Every time I sit to pee, I get a whiff of Axe body spray.
So my Mom pointed out my vibrator on the night stand next to my stun gun and reminded me of how much I drink.
I feel like a pile of chihuahua shit that got eaten by a Great Dane who puked it up and then set it on fire.
You shouldn't play strip poker when you're having a wet fart kind of day.
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
Eh, my puke tasted like lemonade, so not too bad
how soon in a friendship can you start calling them a motherfucker
I'm pretty sure my therapist gave me the green light to fuck him.
I’ve chosen to watch a Mercedes station wagon drive around the Austrian in the rain because it’s live sports. If that doesn’t explain 2020, I don’t know what does.
There is a sex dungeon behind the wine cellar. This is why I hate showing foreclosures.
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