It honestly took me longer to beat Ninja Turtles: Turtles in Time, than it did to have sex with her the first time we met.
she bought me drinks at the bar, made me pizza at her place, gave me head, and then drove me home...i think i might propose
just upper decked a verizon store cause they don't cover against "getting phone crushed by a keg." had to pay 175 for a new one
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
I think I just agreed to be an escort for an Asian guy who's gonna be in the city next weekend before he moves back to Shanghai...
Why is there a school picture of an 8 year old boy in my pocket...?
I think it was the free bomb shots from the creepy bolivians that sent us over the edge
I sent two dick pics to a wrong number and one was in .gif format so it was helicoptering all over the place. I single handedly ruined a child's life.
I like how my motivation to lose weight is so I can wear a nude bikini and get covered in body paint for the tribal party. Priorities.
Opted for cash back rather than the 10% extra I'd get for store credit, solely for drinks tonight.
You're lovely.
You just referred to a pillow with a stolen bra strapped to it as "she". Let that sink in for a minute.
Lol. I get my husbands paycheck every week. Immediate deposit into my purse next to his balls.
I don't know what you slipped me, but my TV is vomming blood right now. Thanks, jerkoff.
Science requires me to take a picture of your nipples.
Dude get over here. Steven brought super soakers filled with colored vodka.
Randomize
