All I did this weekend was get my life in order. I feel like I wasted my time.
This is God's way of telling me He loves me and wants me to be a cocktease.
Go forth my daughter and give blue balls to all who may gaze upon your tits.
I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided.
You told me to keep you from drinking, but we both know I'm not that kind of friend.
My aunt left me alone with the instructions to "get waisted" by the time she returns. I love drunk aunt.
I'm resourceful. I forgot we don't have coca cola so now I'm drinking Jack & Dew or Mountain Daniels. Also, I haven't decided on an official name yet for this drink. I'm leaning toward Jack & Dew
No sorry. I may be a happy drunk but my gag reflux is an angry drunk.
And then he dove into my vagina like scrooge mcduck into a room of gold
I have a to do list for the summer and thing one is figuring out my sexual orientation
I encourage you to ignore feeling. Drinking more helps
I don't drink nearly as much when I'm coupled, and that's not a lifestyle I can commit to
Yeah I was just reminiscing about that time a seagull shit on your head at the beach
Ya know, one would think a restraining order would keep me from fucking my ex.
I heard you ran into my sister lastnight. Do you remember making out with her and slapping my uncle?
You know, normal sex stuff involves shitting your pants. If you do it right.
Randomize
