someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
You are in charge of making sure that her vagina explodes with joy tonight.
Remember when we made you finish your beer after you puked into your glass?
i hate being the asshole.
#1 RULE OF DRINKING: DELETE YOUR EX'S NUMBER FROM YOUR PHONE
Yeah you insisted everyone watch Space Jam at 2 in the morning then you cried the whole way through it. You were the very worst kind of drunk.
I decided tomorrow is going to be great day wether my period likes it or not
I called him and he said hell call me back hes in the middle of his kareokee song he was out by himself and his dog
Well, thats the first guy to go to jail because of my vagina
Post that event on your timeline
There is not enough soap in the world to make me feel clean after last night. Im gonna need jesus for this one
It just smells like spaghetti and despair.
Holy shit I've found my last one night stand in my Gran's knitting club
I don't know which is worse, the fact that his name is Kevin or the fact that he has a pornstache.
I know EXACTLY where things went wrong with her...I didn't use Cheetos as a wooing tool.
I think the God that I only kind of believe in, definitely hates me.
I wish i didn't black out tuesday so i could have cherished our moment together
Throwing up together is NOT a cherishable moment...
Randomize
