As heartfelt as your proposal was- I will NOT marry for money- especially to someone who still owes me $700. You r officially pathetic!!
Almost peed between 2 cars...till I realized that it's daytime and I'm sober.
So i closed my laptop as i started to fall off my bed and then i caught myself and realized that moment of catching myself is the difference between tuesday and friday.
Well, at first I was really confused. But then I realized that he was talking from his penis's perspective... in third person.
Just because you can put your penis in it does not make it "good stuff".
I just walked in on my sixteen year old sister soaking her tampon in vodka. I go to Berkeley. And they think she's the good daughter.
I ate shit on a rock, and when I got up this car full of people asked me if I was okay, and I just sprinted away screaming "I am a banana!"
She was to tired for head so she opted for a footjob with poor results. I dont want to talk about it
Hot Damn Cinnamon Schnapps make me feel like the sun is punching me in the face and a bear is sleeping inside me.
I feel like a pet sloth would complement my lifestyle.
Future roommate keeps sending me pictures of cool shit she has for our dorm and I'm just like "... I have a set of Aggie wine glasses a great set of tits."
No piss test, hell yeah
FALSE ALARM. PISS TEST. I NEED YOUR PISS.
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
Like people our age are getting engaged, and I’m out here spooning with a giant unicorn I bought at Walmart on Black Friday.
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
Randomize
