I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
well tonys high enough to be moving from spot to spot around the kitchen shooting tortellini into a boiling pot and yelling "KING JAMES" whether he makes or misses it.
No, my body just knows its the weekend and wants to rage. Very different from alcoholism
I'm pretty sure they changed the plants at the grocery store because of us
How do you not remember seeing the kid from our chem lab table and repeatedly yelling "lab partners for life!" at him?
she's a dental assistant. she can get nitrous. kinda looks like a sloppy bucket of fuck. time to take one for the team. NEED SHOTS STAT!!
You know you drank too much last night when your mouthwash tastes like water
door buzzer is fixed. took shots with Latvian electrician to celebrate. nice guy. he is gonna bring mixers next time cuz kombucha didn't really cut it for him.
I have learned that if you don't want to hook up with the guy who walked you home, food is great compensation.
More importantly this is sex weather and i am striking out
I almost put an adult beverage in my sippy cup for the beach but realized the next step would be rehab.
No the next step is being buzzed at the beach. I would've.
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
My skirt was too short for the church and I brought my flask to the Scrooge play. God bless us, everyone!
He wouldn't shut up so I started sending him pictures of animal dicks
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
Randomize
