I think I left something in your back seat.... It was my integrity
i was unaware that anal sex sometimes ends with shit on the bed.
We started making out, then he decided to get naked, put on a condom, and proceed to dry hump my leg, sweat pants and all, until he blew his load. I thought this was college. I immediatly left claiming I can't sleep in other people's rooms. He didn't even bother taking off my hoodie.
Tell me why Im cashing out of Walmart with Smirnoff and catfood
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
I still think it's messed up that you're naming your kids after all the guys you slept with in college
You were high and telling me you felt like Pinocchio and that fire was bad for wood.
I tried to show my boob for free volcano tacos at taco bell last night. Not boobs. Just boob. The manager wasn't allowing it.
... I went down on him at the movies. I feel like Alanis Morisette.
That's the last time you suggest we can get our tab wiped by out-drinking the bartender.
It was my card, so what do you care that you lost?
Is your card paying for my plan b?
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
I could tell my life story through kermit memes
I haven't answered because I haven't figured out a polite way of saying fuck no
I'm not 100 percent on this, but I think I just shit a lump of cement. What the fuck happened last night?
He's going to be in the air guitar championships in june. Need I say more.
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