Did you see that girl I got with last night?
Girl? Oh...weird...to be honest Ive always thought you were gay..
he spit gasoline on a tiki torch to impress a girl. he caught on fire but did get laid. success.
an ex called crying about her current BF. convo ended in phone sex. i love emotional wrecks
I think I just need to sleep with both of them to see which I want to date.
You just went from promiscuous to slut in 3.2 seconds.
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
LSHMSFOAIDMT = laughing so hard my sombrero falls off and I drop my taco.
There comes a time where you just have to sit back and watch the drunken idiots pee on each other
I had another sex dream about you but it was very dissatisfying. As you finished you starting singing the star spangled banner. then you left. I was not amused.
I started scrolling back in our texts looking for context and a picture of your dick rose like the Great Pumpkin in the middle of my screen.
Walk of shame: Easter Edition. He is risen.
You declared your undying love to a drag queen, then proceeded to puke into the poor man's purse.
If he doesn't fuck you on the 4th of July, he doesn't really love this country.
Apparently the girl he banged in the bathroom yelled at him for hitting on me all night. But whatever, he was holding her hand for most of it
PSA Do not blow dry your junk.
Randomize
