Nothing says "I love you" like a full raw dog.
My entire life is one complicated drinking game
he asked me if i wanted "a hit" off his inhaler. its definitely time for a new roommate
I just heard someone say "gosh-darnit" and they didn't have a southern twang. I worry for New York.
Apparently, we were running around the apartment, singing into pickles, the routinely slapped our passed out friends with them.
I remember telling you it was cold out because the sun was going to explode and people were going to fight for corn. I feel I've mislead you.
"But puppies!" Is not an acceptable excuse for trying to drunkenly steal someone's dog, you promiscuous midget!!
I just woke up in my locked bathroom. It's 5 PM. What happened?
i fell into a bathtub last night and broke the fall with my forehead. my forehead is bruised
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
My housemates are judging me because I'm high at 8am and making Spongebob shaped Mac and Cheese
They know nothing, John Stoned.
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
Having sex with him is like eating mayo. Don't think about it, just do it. It's worth it.
Dammit. the window insulation sheets are too small for my windows. Yet again I am disappointed by size
I'm getting drunk off Malibu and watching Drag Race and it's only 2 in the afternoon. I'm the poster child for sad gay men.
Randomize
