wow, farting in latex pants is really awkward.
Oh shit. I just had to lure him into the bedroom so I could take the list of his negative qualities off the fridge so he wouldn't see.
there are chunks of pepperoni under the sheets. can you be here in 10? breakfast in bed?
New low: just got woken up by my 9 year old cousin throwing an empty at me and telling me to get my life together.
When I told him he could take naked pics of me, did I really need to specify that he could not email them to my brother's friends for bragging rights?
Dude if i sent you a picture of the inside of my fridge would you be able to break down and explain everything that was in it?
I woke up sandwiched between them, all of us naked, and they were just sharing a cigarette, a donut, and the paper like it was just some normal post-threesome Sunday brunch.
at least its a cool name to shout when he's balls deep in you later
Is it fucked up to venmo someone for plan-b?
But I thought it was so funny last night
You also thought you were a gypsy mermaid last night
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
I currently don't understand fingers.
I am watching the most amazing drunk person ever. Literally such a trooper that you can put anything in front of him he'll drink it. His latest reason for taking another shot was: well whatever. I'm never gonna get married anyway.
I used to want you to marry him...Now I just think you deserve a bigger penis than that.
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
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