I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
You were parading around the bar chugging girls drinks and then asking them if you could buy them a drink. It was actually genius
he fingered my asshole thinking it was my vag...I couldn't bring myself to tell him, mostly from shame for me and pity for him
I just beat off to a cartoon porn video. what has my life come to
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
Did you just buzz the apartment and throw shit at the window? Josh and rob came into my room and woke me up
Fuck you Ian. U owe me $3.65 cuz thasts what I thfrew at ur window trying to wake ur ass up. And fuck u for not giving a shit
If you haven't gone to the store yet. Can you PLEASE get me some clippers my balls will thank you later
He wanted to bang in the work van while we were on shift together. He convinced me with "It's like the Scooby Doo van but looks nothing like the Scooby Doo van."
Thanks, girl! That means a lot. I can't wait to share my jail stories with you over salad and cupcakes.
Lube filled water balloons always make for a good time
apparently my buddy was fucking on our couch downstairs so i decided it was necessary to walk downstairs naked in a hockey mask.
But, if I start dating you brother, I can't talk to you about the sex anymore!! Like... Can we talk about it anonymously?! I just won't use his name.
This chick walked up to me in the bar and started making out with me, then grabbed my drink while I wasn't looking and walked off.
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
I deleted your number after I found out you gave my brother head for drugs.
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