I have all these new brothers and sisters I'm just now finding out about
Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
He saw my tits then looked up and yelled thank you jesus as loud as he could
I didn't think it was possible but there may actually be TOO MANY pictures of me tagged shotgunning.
Bad idea. College students cannot afford both alcohol and a cat. Unless said cat is irish, and can feed itself with fifths of whisky.
currently pooping in a public restroom while drinking free beer. there has never been a finer line between awesome and depressing.
Dreamed I made out with a stranger after falling out of a car, let's make this happen tonight.
I sincerely thought making it to McDonalds by 10:00am was a shoe-in but it appears that I need to adjust my zoom when looking at the map before walking to places.
One of my students submitted a thesis proposal to find the exact correlation between desire for sexual intercourse and vaginal heat.
Tell me you accepted it! This is critical fucking research!
but there's so much I wanna do before I have kids. like die
Just discovered evidence of drunken eBay bid. Drunk Mike did pretty good -- I'm getting a new sleeping bag.
I will run into the sunset with a fist full of condoms.
I'm wearing jeans from 7th grade and drinking a fucking macchiato. This better be a good day.
I just puked on the sidewalk. At 11am. Thought you'd like to know.
Just found out I lit my hair on fire last night.
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