she's lying on the floor with a bottle of vodka, belting shakira. plz advise.
If I were there, I'd be putting a martini in you, via funnel if need be, and you would be doing this thing.
you're my knight in shining pee-resistant armor
I don't even want to think about the kind of person who would shit in the street before 10pm on a Sunday.
My body is a temple...that happens to be able to get me free Patron shots at the bar
If you do wifi you would be helping my penis out & real friends care about their friends penises...
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
Dude. I realize why I got sick. 8 shots three beers in an hour. Plus I ate an expired lunchable earlier.
I broke out the Krispy Kreme, and am possibly having random internet sex in less than an hour. I think I got this breakup under control.
I got your flops too. But yeah you rolled off your raft a bunch of times so we had to ask the white trash squad to help you back on. You bit one of them
Playing pong against a girl who fucked my ex boyfriend so that's how my nights going
Floor bacon is actually really good
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
Had to claim I'd "gone lesbian" to get my cat back. Thank God I got away from that one.
You just sent a mass text asking if anyone ever drank the blood of a goat in the glorious name of Satan...after that we confiscated any writing utensil
Randomize
