i wants your nipples near my face. PLEASE????
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
Let's turn this shoulder dislocation into a positive. Come to the hospital, bring some beers, let's party.
its 4am and she invited me over to split a 'romantic bowl of frosted flakes'...really dude?...what do you think she's trying to say?...she better not be kidding about the frosted flakes though.
I wish I had a "puke in your car" emoticon
Everytime the frat boy touches his bro's ass after making a cup take a drink
Wtf man. I knew she was bad news. No sane person cares if you eat their raviolli.
If 26 stitches didn't sober her up, nothing will.
That freshman kid successfully snuck into a college party, got caught, proceeded to jump out of a second story window without getting a scratch then met up with us a block away and somehow managed to get a bottle of grey goose in the meantime. He is truly blessed by the alcohol gods
Just saw some dude tumble down the stairs of the bar while leaving...fist pump...and then sprint down the road
After the 3rd time his brother walked in on us I asked "Does he ever knock?" his reply "This is his room"... Turns out he didn't even live there... I feel like a hoe.
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
Well the good news of being walked in on, my mom says your tits are pretty. Then she added that hers were like that once. Fml
Facebook just reminded me of the time I found two IHop cheese sticks in my hand bag. Those were the days.
thank god my bra was in my purse... were all good
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