Just tried to tap morse code on the wall seperating our beds to tell you I was awake and ready to smoke
She tried catching cigarette ashes on her tongue like snowflakes.
Nothing like a Mormon bachlorette party to make you feel slutty
Exactly, finding that perfect flask to come with you on all your adventures is like finding the perfect wedding dress. You have to feel it.
He wants a "vagina fling" before he commits to dick for life. I'm gonna allow it.
I wish a box of wine came w a hose. It'd be so much easier to drink from.
He's a cat fanatic .. That was not in the fine print when we started fucking
I refrained from asking a guy what he spilled on his dick because it smelled good. Morals.
It's called being normal.
Just found a condom on my floor from last weekend. 2/2. The scavenger hunt is over.
I am gathering blankets and bags of horse grain to pad my truck bed so I have a comfy place to crash when I get home, without the inconvenience of stairs. Or doors. Or walking. But with the refreshing scent of molasses.
Just because he told you it was safe doesn't mean you should have licked it.
This snow needs to melt so I can get wasted on someones front lawn
Because sadly the idea of me having a girlfriend is crazy enough to be an April fools prank
she prefaced telling me she was pregnant with "houston, we have a problem"
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
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