just tell him he has love handles, he'll die of insecurity
he chased her out of the bar yelling "TAKE MY VIRGINITY" and i havent seen her since
Tonight must have been good, I have already had two cups of coffee but still couldn't figure out how to operate a door.
You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
A letter to the campus apologizing for being sucha cunt with a picture of her head on it. All posted around campus.
I JUST WANT TO WATCH PORN BUT THE CAT IS JUST SITTING HERE LICKING HIS BALLS. I CAN'T DO IT.
No. Her boobs are the one spot of warmth in my life right now and I will not let you take them from me.
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
So apparently using the emergency exit of the bar as a bathroom is frowned upon in this establishment...
Are you still feeling it? I'm in the bathtub. The water doesn't work but it's okay because I'm wearing pants.
I may or may not have told him that he's "the only one with a PHD in this pussy"... I should like direct cheesy porno flicks or something.
Meanwhile she's getting her law degree and I'm dropping Cool Ranch Doritos down my bra because I'm laying down eating on the couch
Can I just skip the lesson I have planned for tomorrow and just teach my students about Prohibition using my impending hangover?
This is why american education is failing
So, I just found out Ireland, is #1 in binge drinking. I know its Sunday but this one is for America.
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