How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
I mean roof. it goes up. its important day. you should recongziw it.
You're drunk. Make complete sentences.
It's not luke its my birthday or anything. Mike, understand.
New boss looks like john cusack in a collar. Hot. Why do i always want to have sex with priests?
Come downstairs. Moms serving wine for breakfast again.
I just found out my boyfriend is cheating on me, please tell me Carl is a unisex name.
I am not going to ask my mother to pause a movie so I can have phone sex.
It was the best present I've gotten since I was 5 and I got a fucking easy bake oven. I'm not pregnant for realsies. Celebratory party at the house tonight. Invite all the nice dicks you know.
Everything smells like blood and olive oil.
This is actually a pretty big deal for him. I mean, he contacted a stranger out of concern for someone else instead of for sex.
That does show growth.
I just literally had a dance party in my closet. I've never been this blazed.
I talked to the pizza guy for 10 minutes about my truck, I don't even have a truck
Our breakfast options are microwave popcorn, wavy lays and fireball
I hope I didn’t eat too many edibles just now. I got shit to do today. Like make Jell-O shots and take a shower.
Wearing panties to a party gives you a whole new perspective on life.
I’ve wanted to home wreck him since their wedding. It was a dream come true
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