I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
ParTy fuckkin suckkkks bro I gotta fid sum biTch 2 leT me fire sum loadz on her FACE!
?
Nah, but can you imagine if I were seriously like that?
i just found five singles in my underwear?! im suspicious but delighted none the less
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
dear roomies, would anyone wanna donate the booze they left in the fridge over break to the "your roomies snowed in and all alone" fund?
i think he drugged the pie. i'll get back to you on that later.
I wish you would just come have sex with me in ihop. I don't want to be here
For future reference, the blowjob coupons I gave you for your birthday are NOT transferable to pay your friends for tacos.
dude wearing that thong all day was not worth the 7 bucks
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
Literally I thought my ears were pouring out blood. That high.
Haha yeah that's basically it. He was like "i've always had a thing for you, and even sober i still would do and feel the same way." so glad to know i am worthy of a sober hookup as well.
I didn't even realize I grinded on a security guard last night. Shit. Did he at least like it?
I was eating leftover taco bell in bed at 3 in the afternoon. I can't throw any stones
hopefully I won't be diving through a thorn bush to escape an explosion this time
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