my ex gf has sooo many hot friends... i feel like im at a grocery store when on her fb... just shopping around.
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
Vodka and Eggs at 9:30AM = thank you, America.
we ended up on her 9 year old brothers bed and he saw the whole thing.... now he will know how to use his equipment
Just got a event reminder on my phone to never party with you again.
Judging by my dry clothes and wet sheets, I think I might have gotten out of bed, pissed ON it, covered it up, and passed out on top of it
I was looking at your puke while I was peeing in it the next morning and that ceasar salad did not treat you well
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
I woke up to find my purse full of puke, and all I could think was not again.
How do I know if porn I have watched is haunted?
I've got a 90 day supply of amoxicillin in case of zombie or chlamydia outbreak
Imagine the quality of nudes you could send with a selfie stick
A party without a piñata is not a party I want to attend.
So the 25yr old smokeshow I fucked last night said "Prepare to be disappointed" as he put the condom on. I was. 40 is bullshit.
Do you have any idea how awkward it was to type ‘dog twerking’ into google search? Because I don’t think you do.
Randomize
