Could you imagine if a Skynet machine combination of Bob Ross and Chuck Norris were built? It would rule the universe with a soft spoken fan brush of kung fu dominance
It would be truly incredible. I hope we are blessed with this being in our lifetime.
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
do you have any idea how hard it is to keep a boner while another dude is writing on your dick in sharpie?
I drink way too much to have a type. Last weekend I picked up a guy who calls me "baby girl"
Can we just ponder our lives for a second.
No I think my brain may implode in a puff of cocaine and sparkles.
David pulled a magic mike again and started stripping on every street sign we passed.
I don't know. I just thought I'd put my drinks in my bag and go on an adventure. Like a drunk Bilbo Baggins.
Let me begin to explain the rest of last night by beginning with saying that out if necessity I took a pair of your underwear
No more. You can't have nice things, and vodka is a nice thing.
Give me a minute. I'm trying to buy moonshine from a railroad worker named "Cowboy."
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
OMG MY DAD TOLD ME HE MIGHT DO TINDER
So you're at your daughter's volleyball game looking at dicks online? That's amazing.
No, I was picking her up from volleyball and sitting in my car looking at dicks.
I miss my innocence.
I miss being able to say, "I've never done this before."
Drunk man just fell out of said wheelchair
Randomize
