at a bar with my ex girlfriend.. both men AND WOMEN are hitting on her.. and not one has even looked at me
Beach body diet is off. Pizza hut worked its way back onto my google chrome top 8
I asked her if she wanted to make this a permanent exclusive thing instead of a fuck buddy thing, and she just looked at me like I'm an idiot.
That's because you are an idiot.
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
She wanted me to watch her masterbate and after she thanked me for a wonderful evening and left. This state is weird.
One of my life goals was never to see an uncircumcised dick. I guess that's out the window now.
Just got a Lifeproof case for Christmas so hold on and tell me how my shower nudes look
I have bits of ceiling fan all over now
Last night was like blooper reel sex. He dropped me!!
It's obvious you're hotter. You've been doing a married guy for almost 2 years.
I’m home.
I’m aware. I just dropped you off.
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
Im riding the bus with beer in one hand and chapagne in the other. I love weddings.
I gave her the last ten dollars to my name and bitch comes back with a six pack of bud light and a pack of sour patch kids
Drunk twilight is the only twilight
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