I am not sure how to feel about the fact that I was turned on by someone with a penis. I can't believe Lady Gaga would do this to me. :(
I feel like now would be a good time to apologize for vomiting in your eye
Remind me tomorrow to take that ball-gag out of my purse.
i think i had to give the cab driver my id to get home last night because i couldnt talk.
I'm in the city buying alcohol. I just got warned by a homeless man on the street that I shouldn't look so pretty "in these parts"
Seriously I just dipped a banana in vodka I really need to stop drinking
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
you can only text me tonight if its in drake lyrics. thats the rule
I'm the kind of girl who misses her mouth when trying to eat, do you honestly think I'm coordinated enough to wear heels during sex?
If he can't cook well I'm just gonna buy a RealDoll and twenty cats and live my own fucking life
This is not my bathroom and these are not my pants
Just give me 5 advils and some sunglasses and I'll knock out on this couch no problem.
look, bitch. one day when everyone i care about deserts me for my severe moral depravity, you're going to be the only one i have.
i can't wait.
I don't care how many things you caught on fire, it's still not as bad as doing coke and then filming yourself having sex.
I mean, who hasn’t been fingered in there back of an Uber?
Randomize
