We made it safely. Thanks for the call though.
I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
Weed smoke burps in the boss's face. Job security.
My niece just called my sister in law a teabagger. I love NPR and it's corrupting influence on small children
It's not like I'm never gonna put out again. I'm a sure thing. I promise.
I pretty much threw up on him while he slept, I had one task today which was to wash the sheets that I threw up on and I turned them pink. I would leave me if I could
What a dumb baby whore.
You turned to me, winked, whispered "man the harpoons" and walked out with the fat chick
I'll just tell your children you were the queen of drunk town and you had a giant purple monkey named bongo
You went home with a man in a loincloth
I just watched him leave in half a loincloth. Don't you just love Halloween???
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
On the plus side, I know I'm allergic to latex now. Like really fucking allergic
Do you know how awkward it is to get a dick pic while working at babies r us?
I’m also apparently a very socialist drunk now
Instead of a horny one. All I want to fuck is capitalism these days.
The girl at the liquor store remembered me as "the girl who pays in hundreds" so she didn't ID me
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