what has become of my life if the best thing thats happened to me this week is that i discovered my cleavage as the best hiding spot ever for weed.
and everytime i fart i feel like in your heart, you can hear it
Is she bent over a couch yet or did daylight savings time throw off her usual schedule?
i had to apologize to my friends for being friends with me
I bruise way too easily for the kind of rough sex I want...
Out of all the things I've put my penis in, this seems the most unfortunate.
I was the one passing out cake at the bars
They tried. Someone started to yell beer shower but he spun around and punched them in the mouth before they even finished saying beer. He's a fast little drunk.
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
If you have a glass table... Put it up. I don't wanna hurt myself again, I just got my stitches out...
No more cocaine. I spent two hours in my bathroom convincing myself I was ugly. Is this what a period feels like?
You're the worst gay friend ever.
Woke up in a sombrero and a males speedo. Tequila makes normal peoples clothes fall off, however it makes me fall into a questionable identity crisis
I have a video on my phone of someone streaking in my house last night, do you have any idea who it is?
Apparently I thought every drink in my house needed to have a buddy so I put some vodka in each one. Long story short being wasted at work because the gatorade you brought is 60% liqour is not a great idea.
I snuck a teenager into a club last nite, I felt like such a criminal. It was Awsome
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