Call me back. I want to hear your side of the dead cat in my garage story.
Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
We defiantly won best dressed in the ER tonight
Used a cardboard box as a pillow and a towel as a blanket. Its like the great depression over here
If you hook up with your cousin you will permanently be my favorite person ever.
It's four o'clock and my 60yo aunt's tits have already made an appearance and there is a dildo traveling around the room periodically assaulting family members. Strangely I am thankful.
No one would take shots with Caroline so she asked the bartender for like 20 jagerbombs and then shouted "JAGERBOMBS FOR HOMELESS ANIMALS BENEFIT" and everyone started doing them with her
She called my landing strip a "vagina mohawk"....
Lesbians are weird.
I feel that the drunker I get, the drunker Facebook gets.
Bitch, it's 2 in the afternoon.
Also I played a weird game of chicken in the ladies room at work between myself the person pooping 2 stalls over and a very determined maintenance man.
My sobriety has gotten out of control. I think I need an intervention.
Not all of us can be into hot dads. Some of us have to have commitment issues and be into musicians.
So in hindsight, going through the McDonald's drive thru plastered at 4 a.m. on stolen bikes was a bad idea.
I'm listening to a women in metal station and wearing a flannel. I may have approached peak lesbian.
Randomize
