Did Neil Armstrong say the moon was too far away! NO! He built himself a fucking rocketship is what he did!
speaking of unleashing monsters, we need to get condoms
Just fucked a hooker at a motel in New Jersey. Two states down, 48 to go.
but why does your life always sound like the plot of a porn?
Never let Scott cook bacon and eggs at 2am while drunk. You should have seen the flames.
You were scared that your teeth were shrinking so you stuck your fist in your mouth. then you were convinced your hand was growing cuz it got stuck so yu started crying
How the hell can the Olympic committee frown so much on weed and yet put on a show you would have to be high to actually enjoy?
and then we had to stop you from trying to pour shots through your nose with the neti pot.
We found them in a dumpster making out trying to get their privacy
where did this taco bell managers name tag come from ?
"Home for the holidays" isn't clearance to fuck the recently 18 year old high schooler right?
Nope, his last birthday was.
You know what's worse than asking for the morning after pill? Asking for the morning after pill in a sketchy hospital in a foreign country where no one speaks English.
The ONLY place I sext is in my anatomy class. It's an amped up level of playing doctor.
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
Had a girl with a moustache tattoo on her hand give me a handjob. That shit was classy as fuck. I felt like I should be wearing a monocle or something.
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