I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
No joke. Last we saw of him he was naked and dragging that stupid goat into the bushes.
I need a second opinion on who's blood is in my car.
The really sad thing is that I actually practiced crawling in my room yesterday in preparation for today
Give us adventure or give us cock. Or cocktails.
Hey, if I can't get it and you're still alive, can you get the glass out of my foot? Happy Sunday.
Wait, whatever happened to locking our vaginas in closets?
Oh yes there is. Now I'm the sad one. Please organize my life. And I will demoralize yours.
Drunk naked twister. My place. Heath is trying to use his dick as a third leg.
his brother walked in while we were fucking on the couch, told me i had "lovely jugs" and offered to make both of us a drink
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
Dude why can't I remember anything after walking in from my first beer bong?
It was immediately followed by your second, third, fourth and fifth
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
apparently ive been in a long term relationship for the past 1 1/2 years w/ out knowing
Randomize