Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
On blowjobs: "If you decide to go there, you finish the job. No complaining." I don't care if it sounds like she's talking about Iraq, I'm in love.
We George Forman grilled some girls phone last night.
she had condoms in her med. cabinet - magnums -I don't think I'm tall enough for this ride
Google Chrome's "top 8 most visited sites" page has become my motivation to stop masturbating
I lost it last night. That was humiliating. Cincinnati is now covered in my puke.
Woke up w/ the same freshman as last Saturday but we were sober this time. Is that a relationship?
Here's how he asked the pregnant girl for a cigarette. Hey yo prego throw me a square. Not joking.
I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?
Last night I went outside to our neighbors and asked them to put in money with me to get a hot tub for our patio. Niceeeee
Fire trucks are here again. It wasn't me this time.
I biked home blackout drunk last night, but I have some memory of throwing my bike in a rage when I couldnt get it down the stairs. No idea on the bright orange puke in the sink.
I smoked all his weed and he hasn't noticed yet. But I might need a place to crash when he does
Your girlfriend agreed to a threesome, I saw dogs in a bar. It seems life is falling into place for us
Can we just take a minute to acknowledge that you're drinking with your gay ex boyfriend's DAD who is a DEACON??
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