I'm peeing chunks and puking liquid. Did I at least have fun last night?
i did the 'picked up item' thing from zelda when i jizzed on her face
so you're single again?
yea but it was worth it
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
How are you going to be there by 9am?
Relax I always go to these conferences hung over
You say that like it's a positive quality
i just opened the overnight bag i packed at 2am last night. Apparently all i thought id need was a handful of quarters, mascara and one sock
just looked up how to break up with someone nicely on google. glad to know im not the only one who looks up this shit.
But when he came on my stomach I noticed how tan I was!
I have 20 seconds to get my life together and look presentable.
Are you alive?
I googled "I don't want to vomit anymore," and "how to rip out your uvula," at 9 am this morning, but I'm still here. Uvula and all.
I feel like a monkey keeps fucking me in the ear with a trombone as a dick.
They were swingers. Real swingers. Thought it was going to be awesome until some fat guy tried to put my dick in his mouth.
You were naked with a chalice of Skittles vodka, singing along to Les Miserables.
Just sitting at dinner with my dad...simultaneously texting "daddy" to confirm saturday's spanking and telling another guy to get condoms before Im done with dinner. Don't know when I got so ate up but I'm loving it. You?
Regretting asking you what you were doing.
Honestly it was like 3 AM and I only agreed to go to the strip club because I wanted chicken tenders
Ugh. I need to go to the store, but I'm too lazy. Whatever shall I do? That girls still passed out. I should steal her car
Randomize
