You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
i think i will get a tattoo on my butt that says "im not bluffin with my muffin", but i guess if i was serious, i would get it above my c-section scar
dude she snuck out while I was still sleeping then was banging on the door 10 minutes later cuz her car was brokedown. how was I suppose to recognize her??
Still in Rome. Hooked up with frat boy from SoCal that's studying abroad. He said he was 1/8 italian. I'll take it.
Wedding cake is always the best dance partner. In the corner. With a jack and coke. And while I'm crying. Listening to "Almost Paradise".
Its all fun and games until someone grabs the electrical fence.
Seriously I will never run in my wedges while drinking racing home to have sex ever again
Drinking heavily at 3pm and about to rescue a 30lb street turtle. Dont even bother attempting to rise to this level bitch
I woke up to an alarm on my phone that said "Buy Plan B" and then the guy offered me a hairbrush... which seemed polite at the time
I can't even masturbate without crying fuck this break up
We were just getting out tux's at men's warehouse he pulled both of the fitting room girls. I dont think he should be getting married
He said the main reason he fucked me was cause of my storm trooper tattoo. IT ATTRACHES ALL THE HOT NERDS
"I'm a professor to university students" I say as I realize I have a nipple piercing that I have no memory of getting
He gives me the same feeling I get when someone puts a margarita or German chocolate cake in front of me
I just spontaneously learned how to embroider at three in the morning.
I also almost burned the house down in the process. Don't ask me how. It's a long story.
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