She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
Don't worry. I just took 2 benadryls and beat off. I'm practically sleep texting
Shit sorry. Maybe I wont give you this sweet ass fanny pack I found in my parents attic
We convinced you to take a shot out of the sponge...there were still suds in it.
You're not on my level until you shop at Petsmart for sex accessories.
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
At my eighteen year old cousin's wedding. Getting hit on by a 9 year old. No one knows who he came with. I'm pretty sure he just showed up from the field behind the church. Help.
At what point in life does one make the conscious decision to incorporate capes into everyday life? Like, as a fashion statement?
I'm not sure how to answer that. Is it a general question or one you're wondering about for yourself? Because I don't think you're there yet.
I'm sure he'll make the rejection quick and completely justified.
I don't think that calm, have their shit together people actually exist.
I don't mean to crush your hopes and dreams but having sex IN the Stanley Cup isn't possible
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
His eyefucking isn't even normal eyefucking; it's eye anal.
Puked in my purse on my Uber ride home last night. Safe to say it's not a good idea to beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
I'm either hallucinating or there is a dying cat outside my apartment....
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