Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
I'm pretty sure it all started going downhill last night when they suggested I see how much sambuca I could fit in my mouth
Yea my vagina was pretty pissed at me for not taking advantage of the situation...
Yes, but if I hadn't gotten here early, I never would have seen the butch lesbian midget waddling down stairs from the bar. Worth every minute of drinking alone.
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
Don't worry, I could have been accepted their by waving my dick at the admissions building.
I need a thor helmet and I need to find my heavy duty drinking mug
Is there a greeting card for "I can't keep being The Other Woman"?
Dude, I work in two hours. Unless you can find Chris Hemsworth and convince him to have a three-way with us, I'm not getting out of bed.
I emptied a Vyvance capsule into my coffee pot last night and set the auto start. Pretty sure I've been drinking meth all morning
You took his virginity and then he got lost on his way back to his hotel room... We found him at 3am sitting on the sidewalk crying. Kudos.
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
How far are you from my house? Do I have time to masturbate before you get here?
holy shit! you were walking down a hill and just happened to be passing a trash can like 4 ft away and projectile vomited over a fence into the trash can. kept walking and drank a beer.
Sorry you saw my balls. Pregame includes a lot of shaving.
Randomize
