I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
Last night I fell down in the street (I think in someone's vomit), cut my knee up, lost my moms necklace and my license, and had to walk back to the hotel.
she said and I quote "NO SOUP FOR YOU!!!" and closed her legs.
Her name is Sherri and her sister's are Brandy and Champagne. Of course I want to meet her parents.
look for us when you get to the club. we're the guys wearing snorkels.
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
thanks for paying me in special brownies...but brownies dont pay the rent...anymore.
Did you know you could bring s cooler of beer to the nail salon?
I used the picture of my mom and I doing blow job shots in Vegas in the presentation for my Spanish final. Graduation here I come.
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
Oh man, buzzed lunch fridays almost got out of hand.
BTW send me your address and size of condoms you wish your lover was-- "if you build it, they will come"
Just chugged a Bloody Mary in 60 seconds flat. New personal best! Happy Sunday!
I explained to him that me turning straight is a once a year thing. And this boy just happens to be the chosen one.
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
Randomize
