If I ever start a band I'm gonna name it "Nancy Reagan's Vagina"
plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
I haven't gotten laid in forever. I'm obsessed. I imagine I this is how Ethopians feel about food.
i just ate that cheese stick that was in my purse from last night.
i knew she was high when she broke up the cookies into her glass of milk and ate it like cereal
I found a picture of my kindergarten class. Now you can see whose peer pressure I succumbed to.
Be here at 3:30. We'll find out how much beer can fit in a Mini Cooper.
I heard about the break up and if you need a place to stay my vagina is open for you 24/7
We thought she was passed out on the toilet, but she raised her head to tell me the word I couldn't remember was "empathize." Then she puked blood and passed out.
I'm sorry I make you whore yourself out to him everytime I'm drunk and want mcdonalds.
Just thought you should know that we coat checked our fairy wings last night. Getting belly up to the bar was way more important that wearing our costumes.
She had one of those kid princess beds. I asked how she expected to fuck on that and she just said "thats what the slide is for". I've never wanted to marry a one night stand before.
Want to come over and rub aloe on my tits?
Which one of you drunk assholes put a parental lock on my cable box last night? More importantly, what's the pin? I'm missing the UK game.
He gets married Father's Day weekend and I just found out I'm pregnant. What do I do?
Randomize
