Will you blow on my dice?
Courtney? Is that you? I have pictures of this very same night.
its like my vagina has this homing beacon out to all the guys saying "come find me, i havent been shaved in weeks"
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
Should I tell her she gave me head in the kitchen while I was eating a cupcake or would that hurt her dignity too much?
First of all, I don't like eggnog. Second of all too much rum is all bad. And thirdly I'm not there to sit in your lap and pretend you are Santa and I've been a bad girl.
I asked if he wants to help me spring forward at 2am on Sunday. He seems down.
sorry
why?
oh you didn't look in the living room yet, did you?
Pencil dick carries the name proudly.
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
We were just sitting together and this guy walks up to us and says, "you ladies are drinking too slow", puts a 5 dollar bill on the table and just leaves the bar. Helloooo Taco Bell
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
I wanna get a tattoo next to my tattoo that says, my ex did this so don't fucking ask
I wish i didn't black out tuesday so i could have cherished our moment together
Throwing up together is NOT a cherishable moment...
They want a bedroom just for their cats. And you thought we were gay.
Randomize
