How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
So today I found out that our school is known as the herpes school
I need to buy a mesh tank top to fit in in Florida. Where do they even sell that shit?
I'd steal beers with my tail. If I were a monkey.
I thought we agreed, no more super glueing action figures to my dick
he just kept saying "come on iron man, you can do this!" to himself the whole time..
Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
I just couldn't load the family groceries on to the same seat where I had sex 12 hours ago.
I feel like ass. I'm missing 12 hours of my life and all I have to show for it is an empty wendys bag. Those Shrooms were too much... When do we do it again?
2016 was supposed to be my year of being a ho, but I guess 2017 might be too.
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
He referred to his penis as "The Purple Headed Yogurt Slinger." I'm both disgusted and turned on
What's the protocol for doing tequila shots at a baseball game when you're chaperoning for a church group? You know, hypothetically.
Lighting a fucking bong with a candle. Straight up dedication.
I've been eaten out in coupes, sedans, trucks, suv's, you name it. If I can do it in a smart car, you can do it in a vw beetle.
I knew you were the expert on doing it in public. You need to get paid for your advise
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