my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
this dude just took some girl under your house for half an hour. you may have helped a 17 year old fuck on the beach for the first time. congrats.
Apparently she doesn't appreciate the significance of eskimo sisterhood as much as I do.
We found them in a dumpster making out trying to get their privacy
I thought he was joking about the hundred beer challenge until two guys showed up with a camera and boom mic. This cabin party is going to be fucked
When I got up in the middle of the night, puked in his trash can, and snuck out the front door, I pretty sure he knew it was over.
We're both on the slippery slope toward middle age...and really shame riddled bar experiences
Holy walk of shame. Fuck someone's house. I walked past a family eating their free continental breakfast wearing yesterday's makeup
Ah that wonderful moment when you realise the bookmark you were using in a book you lent your mum is actually a receipt from a strip club
I'll take care of you. Just let me pee on this old white person's car first.
Stay positive! You think people like sad vaginas? NO! You'll get some!
After the first time we had sex he kept saying "I'm proud of you" over and over again
She's going to jail in a few weeks but she just got a boyfriend. Yet I'm still single as fuck.
I just found weed in my bra #magicboobs2k16
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